Some Days I Wish I Just Made Sense...

   I’m ba-ack!  Well, I’m trying very hard to be.  My lapse in posting is unfortunately just another way of the outside world being able to see approximately when I checked myself out of the real world and into the very dark side inside my own self.  But it’s okay.  It comes and goes, but I am treading water harder every day, and for every time I start drowning, I manage to get myself afloat again.

   Looking back at old posts, I think I should have seen it coming, but really, when you are a basket case, you don’t always see it until it’s already hit you like a 20lb sledgehammer. 

   Okay, but on to other things.  So it’s a new start, this time on the same blog.  I refuse to completely lock myself out of my blog again.  (Even if I can’t find the durned thing.)  ;-)  I could try to catch up on what has all been going on in the last year, but let’s be real; feeling overwhelmed is a big part of my own inner demons.  So I am looking at the now, and maybe a little bit to the past, and a touch to the future. 

   I want my sense of humor back.  Lately it’s been very minimal.  Every funny moment I have found has been from outside of me.  I get my laughs, but they aren’t my own.  Those that know me know I inherited my mother’s sense of humor.  (Thank you for that, Mom!)  It is the one thing looking inside that I had that was light.  But over the last year, and this didn’t hit me until just now, my jokes are mostly forwarding everyone else’s.  My laughs are from other people, all of whom I am thankful for.  If it wasn’t for wonderful people in my life, the last year would have been nearly no laughter at all.  But I hope to find my inner funny again as well.  Some people like their hair, or their butt, I like my humor.

   Overwhelmed has been a big theme for me lately.  I don’t hide that I have issues with depression and ADHD.  It’s not that I want anyone’s sympathies…. It’s that the one thing above even my sense of humor that keeps me thriving is helping others.  I truly hope that for all of my dredging up my own issues, I can help others know that they aren’t alone, or that someone is crazier than them… one or the other.   One of the few things I truly hated about my military time was that I wasn’t directly helping anyone in any way that had an impact on their wellbeing.  One of the reasons I’m working towards entering the Medical Field is that I can find that satisfaction in knowing, weather the patient knows/likes it or not, I can have that impact.  One of the problems I’ve been suffering from is… okay, let me try it this way, it makes better sense:

   I speak in terms of “I” a lot.  It’s not that I’m so self-centered; it’s that it’s the only way I know how to speak, understand, and relate.  On the other hand, I can’t, and some would say it’s unhealthy, live only for me.  I am at my best when I’m there for others.  The last two years, I am primarily a student.  It’s all about me.  I hate that.  I love learning, and I love being a student, don’t get me wrong.  But I hate going so long in the bull pen, and not out in the arena.  Every fiber in my body feels like I’m atrophying away, and being totally useless.

   Then to add to it, I go home.  It’s no one’s fault, but it’s what it is.  I get home, and no matter what I do, it’s undermined in seconds.  I clean something; someone comes right behind me and trashes it.  I make a decision, and it meets no one’s approval.  Hell, right now I have a neighbor who I normally get along with but is mad at me now because, once again, I can do no right.  I don’t coddle my kids enough.  I don’t have my house painted the colors he wants.  (I tried to show him colors I want; he tells me they don’t meet his approval.  We have this battle round after round every year.)  I keep my kids on too tight of a leash.  I don’t have that leash tight enough.  And really, I get a lot of this thing, just with different titles to the arguments, from the rest of the world.  After a while it gets to you, and the only defense I find is to bury myself inside of myself.   And yes, I know that everyone has these battles.  Problem with folks like me is, we don’t see, no matter how many people point right to it, the easy answer to handling it all.

   So here I am.  I am trying to step back outside myself.  See, I’m a mess, but I’m a good mess.  I am one train wreck after the other, one bit of crazy, one health issue, one breakdown after the other… but I have more heart than many people I know.  I’m funny, I’m intelligent, I’m creative, and I care with everything that I am.  The negative may be heavier than the positive, but that positive is such a shameful waste to keep locked up.

   And those are my thoughts.  Like ‘em or not, that’s who I am.  And, dammit, I like me.  All I ask of you, the dear reader, is to cross your fingers.